Tuesday, June 20th
AM
Holy cats, bleeding early on in pregnancy is terrifying. Didn’t experience that with the boys. A lil over 6 weeks and I went to the bathroom and had blood after wiping. Mind spiral ensued and took some Googling to try to relax myself that lord willing it’s something else.
Still rather nervous as I just have to wait it out. Noticed a little cramping on my lower right side prior to it. Honestly, it feels a little period like which is why it’s a strange combination of familiar and terrifying given the circumstances.
PM
One of the loneliest feelings. Bleeding was bad enough that I needed to change my pad after Evander’s 18 month appointment.
Went to the bathroom after getting boys down for nap and I felt a clot come out. That seemed to be a strong indicator of the passing. Something told me to get a glove to retrieve it and I put it in a plastic baggie.
After the clot I called Ben, he called back and I told him that I think I’m experiencing a miscarriage. He’s working on getting home now.
Cramping has subsided for the most part, but still feeling some twinges.
Have Pride and Prejudice on in the background as something comforting and familiar. Hayes has refused to nap again so he’s playing dinos in the living room. Feel like I want to tell someone, but I don’t know who. It just feels lonely and I”m sad. I keep crying and it just feels surreal. The power of how badly you want something when you no longer have it is heart wrenching. It’s confusing, searching internet photos on random boards to see if I can find anything that looks like what I’m experiencing .It’s confusing and lonely and I just want to sit here and do nothing because my mind is spinning. But Hayes wants me to play with him outside and Evander sounds like he’s waking up too. I’m feeling sad and a little mad at Hayes. I know he doesn’t know better and it doesn’t make sense to be mad at him, but I’m frustrated that I can’t just sit here and try to process what’s happening to me. Something I have no control over.
I feel scared to go to the bathroom to see what happens next. I’m scared because the cramping has gone away.
Reading other people’s miscarriage stories online makes it sound so much worse than I experienced. So maybe just maybe it isn’t, but trying to figure out what to do in the meantime is awful. Waiting is awful.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Go in? Urgent care would probably be more frustration and told to follow up with OB. Wait and call OB office tomorrow? Be told they can’t do much. Wait for original appointment which is scheduled a month from now? Again. The waiting is almost the worst part.
Two weeks. For two weeks I felt anxiety over you and then excitement crept in. Then 2 weeks and you were gone. So subtly that I really tried to tell myself it was something else, but I think I knew from the first sight of blood.
I can’t be sure, but I think I saw you. In the mass of red material there was some gray and it was tiny. You were tiny.
