Wednesday, June 21st
AM
Feels like a visible hole in my lower right side. A void of something that should be there.
What did I do wrong? Which decision over the last two weeks was the wrong one? An activity? Something I ate? Did I wear something too tight? Too much stress? I know people will say I didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s where my mind goes after two healthy pregnancies. What did I do differently this time to have this result?
Did I get too greedy? Too comfortable? Too complacent? Two healthy ones, why would a third be any different? Struggling with what happened on the third because in my mind it should be something you can fix. Miscarriage before any kids, need to make some life adjustments, but I just can’t seem to reason why it happens after two healthy ones. Did I not care enough about this one? In my mind I feel like I took it for granted and that’s why I didn’t get to keep it. Again in my soul I know that’s not why, but it’s kind of where I’m at right now.
I’m upset with Hayes for having such tough time the past few days. The tantrums seem constant and my patience just isn’t there. I just want to sit and be sad. And he is challenging. He is processing the vibe in his own way I’m sure, but I still feel upset with him.
Every twinge is my lower right side is a shocking reminder of what’s not there. The space that hurts is the perfect size for what left and that makes me incredibly sad.
Any doubts or hesitations about pregnancy go out the window the moment a miscarriage happens. Instead the guilt over those doubts and hesitations creep in.
Misconception that I had was you have a miscarriage and it’s done. Nope, I’m on day 2 of mild cramping and dreading every time I go to the bathroom.
Will need to add June 20th to list of dates to celebrate. Our Little One’s heavenly birthday.
I called the OBGYN office this morning and based on my what I described, the nurse recommended I come in for lab work. The plan is get a base number today and recheck with another lab draw on Friday.
Luckily, I got to see my favorite phlebotomist. Something familiar.
PM
Zoo day because Ben and I agreed keeping both boys home would lead to frustration. Made it to the end of the visit and we were standing in line for the train when I saw a notification for my test result. 75. 75 hcg. That registers as just barely within the 1-2wks pregnant range. Barely on the chart. Guess I at least get out of the recheck lab work. Sweet Little One I’m so sorry.
It’s hard to feel grateful for for a body that carried a young life for so short a time. I feel frustrated with it. Like it failed me somehow because in some sense that’s easier to accept than that I did something wrong. Although neither is truly the case. I just feel sad. But I still think I’m pushing things down and not allowing myself to truly feel it all yet.
I find myself fighting the urge to diminish what it is. It was only early stage. It was just early stage. No, it was a miscarriage. And at any stage it sucks.
